Chilling Adventures of Sabrina with Kate (and Dan)

Dan and The Dog return to the Asylum in St. Paul to find Kate sitting in the dark. The house is silent, except for the occasional sniffle and whimper from Kate. The curtains are drawn, even though the sun is shining brightly.

Dan: Another guy with truck nuts cut you off in traffic today?

Kate: No. ::blows nose::

D: Someone stole your ice cream?

K: ::dabs eyes with snotty tissue:: No, but I would like some if you have any.

D: Blind yourself with the flashlight again?

K: I’m still seeing spots from the last time, but no.

D: Stop making me play Twenty Questions, already. What’s bothering you now?

K: Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, and it got me thinking about how it’s a time for family gatherings. And thinking about my family and how I’m adopted and that I never really knew my birth parents…

D: HOLD ON. Stop right there, Red. I’ve met your parents. They are nice people. You are not adopted. There’s no question that your parents are YOUR parents. You look like them! You act like them! Especially your mom…

K: Oh no. I’m adopted. See my biological dad agreed to hand me over to his old crony sisters. Now my mom is in a clinic for the mentally unwell and my dad…well…he’s a tree.

D: No. No. No. Wrong. Your dad is not a tree. I’m not going to say a thing about your mom and her mental fitness.

K: Good plan. Hanukkah is coming, and you always cash in on the big haul then. So you’re saying this comic book set in Greendale in the 1960’s that stars a young white haired witch girl isn’t about me? Yeah, I’m not following you.

D: No it isn’t about you. In case you forgot, which apparently you have, you grew up in Wisconsin in the 80’s and you have red hair. You’ve fallen off the NyQuil wagon again, haven’t you?

::detects the tell tale green mustache of the NyQuil addict::

K: No! Yes. Maybe… My nose was stuffed up and I just needed a little taste of “The Green Death.” But you may be right that I’m mixing up reality and comic book stuff.

::picks up NyQuil splattered copy of CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA::

D: Let’s take a closer look at this horrific source material, shall we? Then we shall see who’s really a witch here…

K: Come out from under the coffee table, you wuss.

D: I’M NOT HIDING! But good god, that’s some scary stuff. Between the zombies of AFTERLIFE WITH ARCHIE and the witch covens of SABRINA, writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has reminded readers what “scary” really means. It’s suspenseful, chilling stuff that leaves the gore to the imagination. With Francesco Francavilla depicting the zombie apocalypse in Riverdale, and Robert Hack bringing us the Stepford Witches of Greendale… well… let’s just say Archie Comics has completely reinvented themselves as the first stop for true, bone-chilling horror. ::shudders::

K: This is amazing. The main story is about young Sabrina (Fine. Her. Not me.), and the tragedy of her warlock father and mortal mother’s star-crossed love. Of course, these things are never meant to be. With her mother locked in an asylum, and her father turned into a, well… tree… young Sabrina is left to the loving care of her witch aunts Zelda and Hilda, and her familiar, Salem the cat.


K: Then come down from the chandelier. It won’t hold you, tubby.

D: Can we talk about the backup feature, now? Every issue will have a story from Sabrina’s publishing past. This issue has her first appearance from ARCHIE’S MADHOUSE #22, 1962. Written by George Gladir and drawn by the iconic Dan DeCarlo, it’s a comic book masterpiece.

K: You just like it because Sabrina dresses like Laura Petrie from the Dick van Dyke show.

D: …

K: That’s what I thought.

D: This book needs to be on everyone’s “Must Read List.” And not just for regular readers. Start handing it out for Christmas, Hanukua…

K: … Halloween?

D: Halloween!


Kate Mauls Men (and DEAD Malmon)