Kate (and Dan) read GLORY AVENGELYNE

Dan: I picked up something speciaaal for you!

Kate: Is it ice cream?!?

D: Not this time, but it is shiny!

K: Really? Gimme!

D: ::hands Kate the foil embossed “Glory Avengelyne” by Rob Liefeld::

K: ::blinks::

D: Well? Pretty cool, right?

K: ::blinks:: It’s…it’s…. shiny… And the boobs? And hair. So much hair. And everyone wears a thong? Is this really a thing? You made this just now, right? This is some kind of gag, RIGHT?

D: No, I didn’t make this up as a gag. You need to know your comics history, so here is a gem from 1995. A time when comics were all about (multiple) foil covers, boobs, and contorted body movements. And leading the charge with the phenomenon was Image Comics, and in this case more directly, superstar writer- artist Rob Liefield.

K: But… but these women wouldn’t be able to stand up if they were real. And “those” wouldn’t be real if these women were real!

D: Seriously.

K: ::snatches comic:: Fine!

…..

K: ::banging head on table:: Oh. My. God. What a steaming, shiny pile! I don’t know where to start.

D: Relax. Let’s just break it down like we normally do. What did you think of the story?

K: There wasn’t one.

D: Don’t be mean. What did you think of the story?

K: THERE WASN’T ONE!

D: ::sigh:: So Glory is a thinly veiled (and scantily clad) Wonder Woman riff. Her psycho mom, who runs around in a French bikini, declares war on Man. Just as she’s about to rally her she-troops, who also wear French bikinis…

K: … a friggin’ angel comes to the rescue!? ::snaps finger:: Ah ha! I got it. Wasn’t 1995 the height of the “sniffing wippits” craze? This mess totally makes sense now.

D: ::mumbles:: That does explain a lot. Anyway, the angel Avengelyne throws down with Glory’s crazy mom, Faith, dressed in a strapless skintight thing with flared bottoms. After a fight that had to have been choreographed by Cinemax ::close-up ASS ASS BOOBS BOOBS:: Psycho mom is banished away.

K: WHO FIGHTS IN THONGS!?! It’s completely impractical!! You can’t kick ass while yours is hanging out! Plus, when you do a high kick, it brings on a Super-Atomic Wedgie. I remember this one time I…

D: Focus, Red. Back to the story. After years of being away, psycho mom returns to avenge her banishment. But we find out that she’s working for a demon that is determined to exact revenge on Avengelyne.

K: Huh. When you put it that way, it sounds like the basis of a pretty wicked story. When in fact it’s impossible to pay attention to whatever story is present due to all the gratuitous skin and freaky body posing. Does this Liefield dude even have one of those wooden human form things that artists use for reference? I mean, look at the cover! Avengelyne’s butt shouldn’t be facing the same direction as her face! Hope she has a good chiropractor…

D: So after the obligatory hero-fights-hero-then-heroes-team-up-against-mutual-foe set up, Avengelyne and Glory battle psycho-mom Glory and her demon partner. ::close-up BOOBS BOOBS ASS ASS:: Good triumphs over evil.

K: Using the Malmon “How much story did I get for my money” scale, where do you think this one ranks?

D: It doesn’t even register. This book is held up by the thinnest story-string I’ve ever seen. It’s just a T&A showcase.

Back in the ‘90’s, the comic industry was in chaos. Image was founded when a group of superstar artists jumped ship from the Big Publishers to found their own company. At the same time, Marvel was in a tailspin due to bad management and almost went bankrupt. The overall vibe was of the stories of the day was “Grim ‘n gritty.”

And as much fun as we’ve been having with this comic, people bought the hell out of it and comics just like it. Image gets a bad rap for this kind of storytelling, but the other companies put out product just like it.

K: People voluntarily bought into the shiny boobs, big hair, and poor storytelling? There were a lot of people doing whippits. ::Looks for a can of Ready Whip::

D: Ahh…no. I don’t think there is enough compressed air to make this shiny, steaming pile any better.

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A special note: This review wouldn’t have been possible without a shout-out to our friend Seth. Seth has been a good friend since high school, and when he was culling his comics recently, he gave us first crack and “Glory Avengelyne” ended up on the top of the pile.

We had a lot of snarky-fun with this one, and really, isn’t fun what reading comics is all about? So? A big Thank You, Seth!

K (& D)