Fantastic Four 278-279 with Kate (and Dan)

K: BAY. WINDOW.

D: huhwha?

K: I said BAY WINDOW. That window that extends out into the yard and looks extra classy? Yes. That is the window I want.

D: ::opens window:: ::closes window::

This here’s a fine, fine window; I’m liking the cut of its jib.

K: You’re a moron. We need a new window.

D: ::opens window:: ::closes window:: Yeah… this is a nice window.

K: I’m going to throw you out that window.

D: All I’m saying is, I’m not exactly Bob Villa with this stuff.

K: Oh, I know. Let’s not talk about that IKEA bookshelf you built. It doesn’t exactly hold books; they just kind of slide off.

D: But I built it myself! And look at all of these extra pieces I have!

K: That’s why I’m going to replace the window by myself! I went to the big box home improvement store, took a class, took some notes, and I’m ready to do it myself! Check out the super cook pink ladies’ tool set I got! ::revs drill::

D: You hate the color pink. That class was “How To Build A Birdhouse”, not “How To Put In A Bay Window.” That might be a big leap.

K: I thought the windows on that house were a little small… BUT I TOOK NOTES!! AND I BOUGHT PINK TOOLS!!! PINK TOOLS!!! ::continues to rev drill::

D: This isn’t the right project for you, sweetie. I’m gonna call a professional.

K: I’M THE PROFESSIONAL!! I TOOK THE CLASS!! ::really, really revs drill here::

D: Nope. We’re going with a professional contractor, one that deals in human sized houses.

K: ::gets wild eyed and just plain weird:: No. Way. I’m doing it or no one’s doing it.

D: Babe?

K: ::eyes spin:: You know how to get the biggest effing window? DO YOU? I’LL TELL YOU HOW IT’S WITH THIS KEG OF TNT THAT’S HOW I ROLL BIZATCHES!!!

D: Honey, stop! That much TNT could, I don’t know… could launch the damn house into space!

K: pfft. That could never happen!

D: Could so. Check it. It happened to the Fantastic Four back in 1985.

K: ::looking slightly less crazy:: Looks like the Fantastic Four have some bigger problems than our window that’s too small. That Victor Von Doom guys really hates them. Wow. That guy has some serious issues.

D: It’s not easy being a misunderstood madman genius. Here we learn about Doom’s roots and how he became the force of evil that he is today. Well, 1985 today. His parents are killed, has Reed Richards as a roommate for like 2 days, and is then the victim of a horrible “science experiment”.

K: ::shakes head:: Those science experiments never go well. Then Victor runs off and…well…has metal melted onto his face. And he becomes DOCTOR DOOM!!! ::shakes fist into air::

D: Of course now is when he extracts his revenge on the meddling Reed Richards and the Fantastic Four.

K: But, if he never graduated from college, can we really call him “Doctor” Doom? And, hold up. What is She-Hulk doing here? Where’s my favorite pile of orange rocks? Where’s The Thing? ::shakes head:: No Thing, no Kate.

D: He decided to take some time off, so She-Hulk took his spot. A brainy green lady who knows how to throw a punch or twenty. She totally works on the team.

K: I’ll accept it.

D: You really don’t have a say in this, Red. The book is almost 30 years old. It’s already been decided. Getting back to Doom’s revenge… He figured out what he did wrong when he launched the Baxter Building into space the first time (way back in Fantastic Four #6) and is gonna do it right this time.

K: Hold up. Again. The first time? How can the smartest man on the planet, Reed Richards, allow his headquarters to be launched into space? He calls himself Mr. Fantastic. I think it would be “fantastic” if he could manage to keep his home and office on Earth. Like, maybe he should use that Gorilla Glue. That shit is the real deal.

D: Well he figured out how to recover the building from space and returned it to New York. Doom saw that the flaw in his plan last time was Sub-Mariner…

K: Trusting a guy that can breathe underwater is never a good idea.

D:…and adjusts his plans accordingly. Then, when the Fantastic Four are least expecting it. BOOM! Baxter Building is back in space.

K: Seriously?!? These guys need to invest in some security to watch the building. Or maybe some bolts to, you know, KEEP THE BUILDING ON THE GROUND! Mr. Fantastic… Hah! More like “Mr. Can’t Keep My Home on Terra Firma”.

D: But Doom takes it one step further this time and blows up the building!

K: That’s one way to make sure that the building is never launched into space. Again.

D: The Fantastic Four have to work together to get back to Earth and defeat Doom and his Doombots. In his defeat we learn that Victor Von Doom isn’t the man everyone thought he was. He isn’t even a man at all! He’s…

K: SPOILERS!

D: Like I said earlier, the book is almost 30 years old. If you don’t know by now, then you probably should read the book.

K: Fine…

D: So, in Part 1, we learn that Doom has been declared dead. Following their programing, the Doombots take young Kristoff and implant Doom’s memories on his young brain. Thinking he’s the One, True Doctor Doom, Kristoff is actually the one to launch the Baxter Building into space!

K: Diabolical!

D: FF #278-279 is just another high-water point in John Byrne’s legendary run as both writer and artist on Marvel Comics’ FANTASTIC FOUR. Brimming with brilliant science fiction ideas bursting from every page, Byrne’s FF will always hold a hallowed place in my collection. And with Byrne also pulling art duties, (with Jerry Ordway on inks!) FF is just about the perfect comic. On any other comic, the banner over the Fantastic Four title would come off as hyperbole. But with this run, “THE WORLD’S GREATEST COMIC MAGAZINE” is quite appropriate.

K: So… you’re saying I should use less TNT?

D: ::sigh:: Oh, what the hell. Let’s make a really, REALLY big window!