Kate (and Dan) Read Amazing Spider-Man #700

Dan arrives home to find Kate marching around the driveway, carrying a picket sign that reads “BE NICE TO DAN!” on one side, and “STOP SLAMMING SLOTT!” on the other.

D: ::sighs:: Who’s being mean to me THIS time?

K: No one’s being mean to you this time, dummy. The Internet is being mean to that nice guy Dan Slott. You remember, that writer guy we met at C2E2, the comic convention in Chicago last year? All dude ever wanted, ever since he was a little kid, was to write Spider-Man. And now he gets to write stories about the Web Slinger, and the Internet is all freaking out! I don’t understand why everyone is all up in his business.

D: So… you’re launching a protest march here? In our driveway?

K: Well… er… yes! I couldn’t find an address for “The Internet” and thought I’d start here at home. It’s a grassroots effort to remind people to “Be Nice to Dan!”

::yells:: “STOP SLAMMING SLOTT!”

D: ::notices the Dog wearing a Boston terrier sized sandwich board:: “Less Hate, More Webs”? You dragged The Dog into your protest?

K: Grassroots! One becomes two, two become four, and so forth! We’re going to take this worldwide! ::Shakes fist in air:: What do you think of me now, Internet!!

D: Whoa, there, one-woman revolution. Do you know why “The Internet” is angry with Mr. Slott? Did you do any research before getting out your magic markers and poster-board?

K: :shakes head:: No. I run pretty much on pure reactionary instinct. It’s why I spend so much money on lawyers.

D: Then you should probably read “Amazing Spider-Man 700”. ::hands Kate ASM 700::

K: ::sits down in a snow bank with the comic::

D: No…not outside. You’re going to get snow all over the comic and you’re really close to some yellow snow. Inside!

K: ::slams comic closed:: OK, I can see why The Internet would be upset with Mr. Slott, but I have some issues with other parts of the book beyond the ending.

D: Where will the rant start this time?

K: Like how dense Peter Parker’s friends can be. Doctor Octopus goes all Mad Scientist and does a body switch with Peter Parker a couple of issues ago. Now Peter is stuck in Doc Ock’s dying body while Ock is out walking around in Peter’s body. Parker’s speech patterns change from sounding young and modern, to an older man with more stilted speech patterns, and NO ONE NOTICES!?! ::lowers voice:: “Not now, woman!” That’s how my grandpa talked.

D: ::rolls eyes:: I have no explanation for that. What else rubbed you the wrong way?

K: The crew of villains Parker as Doc Ock assembles. Paste Pot Pete? Seriously? A bad guy with a glue gun? I guess Marvel was trying to attract that elusive arts and crafts demographic. You know, the ones that use the Hobby Lobby as a secret base? “Watch out for my GLITTER GUN OF DOOM!”

D: Ah. You are, of course, referencing The Trapster. Sure, he started his villainous career as Paste Pot Pete, but he changed it to the much more refined “Trapster.” Easier to fit on a business card, I suppose.

K: Speaking of villains, there’s one point in the book when the bad guy made of water, Hydro-man, is basically defeated by super shop-vac. Why didn’t Spider-Man get some Goo-Gone and a shop-vac earlier to beat these guys?

D: ::bangs head on table:: I don’t know… because the Avengers Home Depot card was maxed out? Can we just focus on the big picture here? This is AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #700. This is the big one. Not only is it Stan Lee’s signature character hitting a huge milestone, but it’s also the last issue of the series before it re-launches as SUPERIOR SPIDER-MAN next week. While this isn’t as big a deal in today’s comic industry of reboots and retcons, this issue has a pretty nifty spin on the “Hero is dead, long live the hero” bit.

K: Let’s run down the list of heroes that have died and come back. ::counts on fingers:: Superman, Batman… Green Arrow, Green Lantern… Captain America… Jean Grey, Phoenix, Jean Grey… Jean Grey, Jean Grey, ::takes off shoes and socks:: Phoenix, Phoenix… and Jean Grey.

D: That’s a pretty comprehensive list, but the fact that Peter Parker basically loses the fight is a pretty big deal. He’s unable to switch back into his own body. He fails. He runs out of time, and Doc’s old and sick body shuts down and dies. But having Pete’s memories and experiences merged into his own really shows Doc what it means to be Spider-Man. What life with a heavy dose of the Ol’ Parker Luck is really like.

K: Right! So if the Doc thinks he’s so smart, let’s see HIM be Spider-Man!

D: You nailed it. So now we have a story rich in possibilities. Now we have Doc Ock as the “Superior” Spider-Man.

K: Do we have to call him Doctor Spider? Spider Ock? I like Doctor Spider, but I’d spell it Dr. Spider. Yeah, that sounds pretty cool. Should we even acknowledge the Octopus part of his previous personality? Will the Spider-Man uniform be retrofitted so Doc Ock can add a few extra arms? How long until Doc Ock forgets that people think he’s Peter Parker? Will he crack and revert to his evil ways? There are more questions than answers with the death of the Amazing Spider-Man!

D: Right. That’s why you need to tune in next week!

K: This was a pretty huge comic. And it has like a billion Spider-Mans… er… Spider-Mens? Um… dudes in spider suits on the cover. It’s pretty badass.

D: Yeah, and did you notice there’s 3 tiny speech bubbles on it? Look REALLY close…

K: Hey, Internet? One of those tiny speech bubbles should read, “Be Nice to Dan”. Mr. Slott is writing the stories he’s always wanted to write. The least we can do as fans is read them with an open mind. And you should because they’re really, really GOOD!