Film Review: The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug

SmaugSo, I’ll be honest.

I really had no idea what was going on in the movie. Yes, I’ve seen all the other movies and I barely got those as well. There’s just so many weird names and races and monsters and everything. Thankfully, I have Bryan here to help me interpret what I’m trying to say in to normal speak for you normal readers. (In parentheses I will try to interpret Jo’s take away from the film.)

Since I don’t remember what the whole point of the “unexpected journey” was I’ll try to glean what I can from this movie. (His take away from part one was that it was pretty) They’re running away from the wolf-things (wargs) and the large pasty white monster that’s played by Deathstroke from “Arrow.” (Azog) But you wouldn’t know it because there’s so much CGI and makeup. Anyway, they go to a werebear’s house and he’s mean but nice. Or something. Then Magneto (Really, Jo? Really? I really have to tell you that it’s Gandalf the Grey?!?! Eventually he becomes the White wizard…ugh, you know what, never mind. Let’s keep going) has to abandon them to do some Wizard stuff with the smoke monster from “Lost” (Wow, that hurt me a little) that was telling the pasty monsters to go after the Hobbits. Er, the Dwarves. Munchkins? The little warrior dudes that aren’t as little as Hobbits. (He means Bilbo and the group of dwarven warriors trying to get Thorin back to his throne). Magneto (still Gandalf) does some awesome Wizard stuff at the scary castle thing that we kinda saw in the first movie. The first Hobbit, not the first “Lord of the Rings.” (It wasn’t in the original Hobbit book at all so I will allow him to think whatever he likes about this part. Plus, scary wizard stuff pretty much sums it up.)

At the same time the gang of hairy dwarves go through different kingdoms and cities and forests to get to the dragon’s lair (Smaug in the Lonely Mountain. Seriously, it’s in the title.) Now, I know they have to get a stone or rock or something from the dragon. (The Arkenstone, symbol of power by divine right for Thorin to sit as king of the dwarves) Why a dragon wants a rock, I have no idea. He’s a dragon. He doesn’t need riches. He can’t go spend it on towels or shoes or anything. (If I have to explain covetous dragons again I may scream. They hoard precious things. End of mythical animals 101) I also can’t quite figure out why the handsome main little person wants the rock. I guess if he holds it then he is king? But why? If it’s his birthright then why isn’t he just king? Does it give him powers? (I just covered that. Jo still thinks it’s just a dumb glowing stone.)

Anyway, the gang meets elves and they’re jerks (He’s right. The woodland elves are freakin’ jerks. Now they do live in the poisoned wood, so there’s kind of a reason, but yeah, still, jerks.) They do nothing but be jerks to the guys except for the girl elf because she wants to do unspeakable acts to one of the dwarf guys. Orlando Bloom, who I’m told wasn’t in the book, (Why? Why was freakin’ Legolas thrown into the Hobbit? Seriously, why?!?!) wants to do those unspeakable acts to her even though she’s like a peasant elf or whatever (There’s so much wrong with that statement, but again, since it’s not canon from the novel, I will let it slide). Then they go to Waterworld (Laketown) and Stephen Fry is there and he’s awesome because he’s Stephen Fry (Though, he’s actually a jerk since he plays the Master of Laketown). Finally, they reach the dragon’s lair. Hopefully, they can find the rock in miles and miles of treasure because that’s the logical task Watson was tasked to do. (Still Bilbo)

review by Jo Schmidt and Bryan VanMeter