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By Bryan VanMeter

Seriously, the title tells you everything you need to know. I am saying absolutely nothing in this article. There is no substance, no idea, no thought. It is nothing. I am literally saying nothing here and you are still reading this. If you’re waiting for something insightful, it’s not going to come. I only mean what I say in print and I am saying nothing.

Really? You are on the second paragraph of nothing and yet you are still reading? So, you’re telling me I could say anything here and you would keep reading it? Blah, blah, blah, nothing, type, type, blah. Honestly, you read that sentence and decided to keep reading this article? Are you so desperate for something to read that me saying nothing is keeping you that enthralled? There is a lot better in the world than this article. Have you seen a library? They are filled with books that actually say something and yet you still are sitting there reading this. THIS!

Third paragraph and you are still reading? Still? Well I guess I have complete power over your mind if you are willing to read this far about literally nothing. Actually, that’s kinda neat. YOU ARE IN MY POWER. SEND ME 5 DOLLARS. Well, actually, make it ten. As long as you are willing to read this far about absolutely nothing, you are probably willing to go the extra mile and spring for an extra five for me. After all, I have student loans and you obviously have nothing better to do with your time than read this.

WOW! Still reading after my plea for cash? Don’t you have a life? A garden that needs tending? Pets that need attention? I’m betting that TiVo has been getting pretty full while you’ve been parked in front of your computer reading this. Go on, you can check. All those alluring TV shows just waiting to be watched. Seriously, go check. Nothing’s going to happen here. Really, I promise you, not a thing. Enjoy your shows. Shoo…

To you dedicated few who are still reading, thank you for your ten dollars. I would promise that I will use it responsibly, but honestly it’ll probably go for Legos, books, coffee, or movie tickets. The student loans have waited this long and the movies will only be in the theater for so long, after all. AND STILL, AFTER ALL THAT, YOU ARE STILL READING????? WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Oh well, I might as well say happy April Fools to you blissful fools who have continued to read this far. It is your holiday after all. Thank you for your service to this country, making those who aren’t fools feel slightly superior for a moment as you run your cart into a display of newly stacked canned tomatoes in the grocery store. For your dedication, I will give you the only advice you will ever need to lead a happy, wealthy life (assuming the editor lets it print) Okay here goes. When you (REDACTED BY THE EDITOR) and that’s all you need to know! Thanks, and again, happy April Fools!