FADE IN
The Asylum in St. Paul has seen better days: The kitchen is overrun with dirty dishes, colonies of dust bunnies roam the wilds of the first floor, stacks of pizza boxes surround the couches. Kate emerges from under a pile of dirty laundry wearing a robe and one slipper.
Kate: ::turns to face the audience:: Oh, hello. How’ve you been? Sorry for the sad state of The Asylum. It’s been a crazy couple of months and we had to let the housekeeper go. I think Alice has some special deal going with the butcher that she got such good deals on ground beef.
Dan: ::from under a pile of blankets on the couch:: WE’VE NEVER HAD A HOUSEKEEPER! YOU’RE GETTING REAL LIFE CONFUSED WITH THE BRADY BUNCH AGAIN!
K: Then who was that lady that came over and cleaned the house? I thought her name was Alice? Then was it Rosie?
D: ::tosses off blankets. Knocks over stack of pizza boxes:: There is no housekeeper. There’s never been a housekeeper. That was just a neighbor lady who would come over when we weren’t home and who would move things around for fun. ::looks around at the chaos:: We really do need to get a housekeeper.
K: ::flops down on chair made out of KFC buckets:: Life has been so busy lately that everything around us is out of control. I miss doing normal things. You know, like cooking dinner. I can’t eat any more pizza or fried chicken. I miss wearing pants with zippers and no elastic waistbands.
D: I must say, the rampant hallucinations that have been a pleasant surprise. The elf on the shelf who tells me secrets about that neighbor lady. The unicorn that grazes on our shag carpeting…
K: WE HAVE HARDWOOD FLOORS
D: Right. Shag-floors.
K: Hold up. If we’re going the live in chaotic semi-messy-madness, we need a little guidance from the master. ::holds up SPIDER-MAN/DEADPOOL #1 & 2::
D: Yes! The elf on the shelf yelled in my ear that this was one of his favorites. He’s so shouty.
::THIS IS WHERE THEY READ THE BOOKS.::
D: Things are messed up at The Asylum, but nothing is as messed up as Deadpool. Wade Wilson, Deadpool’s real name for those of you who are spying on us via alien satellite, has some serious issues. There’s a reason he’s called the Merc with the Mouth: dude has no filter and says whatever comes to mind, whenever it comes to mind.
K: Like in the opening scene of the book, Deadpool and Spider-Man are tied together by Spidey’s webbing (it was a total accident), and Deadpool won’t stop talking and it isn’t very family friendly. Like not kid-appropriate at all. Spider-man’s patience runs thin and he starts shouting…
D: “SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP!”
K: ::looks aghast:: To quote your mother, “We don’t say shut up”.
D: We do if the crazy man tied to you won’t stop talking.
K: But Deadpool just wants to be friends with Spider-Man, like, really bad. Like REALLY REALLY BAD. He went through the effort to fake a kidnapping by some fire-demon-guy just so they can hang out. Now that Deadpool is an Avenger, Spidey wanted out so he quit the gang just so he wouldn’t have to be in the same room as Deadpool. But all that avoidance doesn’t phase Deadpool. I mean, they both wear red super-suits. How could they NOT be besties? Never mind the fact that Spider-Man LOATHS him.
It’s like, whatever. Right?
D: One thing that is going to dampen the friendship is this: Deadpool just accepted a job to kill Peter Parker. (Spider-man’s identity…)
K: …for those watching by secret alien satellite uplink. But it’s still, like, whatever?
D: Exactly! So some mystery client has hired Deadpool to take out Parker. You know, on account of Deadpool being a mercenary for hire and all. The client thinks Parker and his new company, Parker Industries, are up to no good and that they need to be stopped. Deadpool knows Parker and Spidey are tight, just not how tight. He thinks he can use Spider-Man to get the dirt on Parker and maybe find out if the client’s allegations are true. If he’s right, the hit is on. If he’s wrong, Parker gets to live to see another board meeting.
K: And then to further complicate things, Mysterio shows up, hacks Parker Industries “webware”, and causes Spidey and the Parker Industries staff to hallucinate all sorts of vile and horrible and over-the-top madness. Thankfully Deadpool rolls in with the Spider-Buggy to save the day.
D: I’m not normally a Deadpool guy, but Joe Kelly’s storytelling has drawn me in. Spider-Man is the perfect straight man to Deadpool’s crazy. The dialog between the title characters is quick, funny, and smart. Honestly, Kelly had me on page one with “SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP!”. Mainly because, if I were stuck with a crazy person like Deadpool, this is how I would react, too.
K: Ed McGuinness’s art is perfect for pure, straight on comic book action. Every panel is fully rendered. The figures aren’t caricatures, the action is intense, and the storytelling precise. A+ in every regard.
D: I’m in. This is a Deadpool book that works for me on every level. I want to see where this goes, and how long it takes for our boy Spidey to finally snap.
K: Oh, look! The elf on the shelf is taking the unicorn for a walk! He’s a good egg, that elf.
D: Whatever. The spy satellite is recording all of this, anyway.
